Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
