I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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