Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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