just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
