Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I'm always down for nudity.
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