Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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