Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
