How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
