What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
