she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
