pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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