i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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