Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
