My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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