I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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