Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
