When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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