im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Dick very happy bro
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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