this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
