Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
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