It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
