all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
