Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
