Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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