I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
You smell like stripper and shame
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
