I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
