Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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