the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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