I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
