I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
