i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
