somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I could make wine with my vomit
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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