Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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