i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
