my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
