Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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