apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
