He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
