Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
