She is in my trunk
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Randomize
