My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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