You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
