Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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