Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
