And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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