I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
