i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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