I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
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