if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
