I think i peed on brittanys purse
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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