hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
