I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
