I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize