I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
