Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
