So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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