Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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