xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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