I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
