it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
