I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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