i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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