I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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